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Q. Should I report my situation to the authorities?
A. This is a matter for you to decide. There are many good reasons why you should.
Part of your anguish may be centered on the fact that this person continues to offend.
To destroy more innocent victims just like you, and you are struggling with the fact that not speaking up is destroying more lives and you may be feeling partly responsible.
Your speaking up increases awareness.
There may be others who have reported this person before, and more evidence may lead to a conviction.
You may also give others the courage to come forward.
It is important that you weigh all these and other facts against your own emotional strength to deal with the resurrection of this matter.
You must seek the support you deserve to strengthen your resolve in any case.
Part of your anguish may be centered on the fact that this person continues to offend.
To destroy more innocent victims just like you, and you are struggling with the fact that not speaking up is destroying more lives and you may be feeling partly responsible.
Your speaking up increases awareness.
There may be others who have reported this person before, and more evidence may lead to a conviction.
You may also give others the courage to come forward.
It is important that you weigh all these and other facts against your own emotional strength to deal with the resurrection of this matter.
You must seek the support you deserve to strengthen your resolve in any case.
Q. How do I handle it if it happens in my family?
A. The first thing you should do is remain calm, sit on your hands and open your mind.
Leadership is important here and the first question you should be asking is, "what does the victim need from me right now?"
As in any situation of physical or mental injury.....secure the victim first.
You must adopt an attitude of belief in the victim.
The next step is to ensure that the victim is removed from harm and future exposure.
Don't go straight to anger with either party. The victim may assume that your anger at the perpetrator is directed at them and your hasty anger towards the perpetrator could land you in trouble with the law and make the victim feel even worse.
Get support for the victim and importantly yourself and the rest of your family.
The whole family suffers when this happens and your lives may never be the same again.
Protect your family, BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF THE VICTIM.
You will all get through this if you remain calm and composed.
Leadership is important here and the first question you should be asking is, "what does the victim need from me right now?"
As in any situation of physical or mental injury.....secure the victim first.
You must adopt an attitude of belief in the victim.
The next step is to ensure that the victim is removed from harm and future exposure.
Don't go straight to anger with either party. The victim may assume that your anger at the perpetrator is directed at them and your hasty anger towards the perpetrator could land you in trouble with the law and make the victim feel even worse.
Get support for the victim and importantly yourself and the rest of your family.
The whole family suffers when this happens and your lives may never be the same again.
Protect your family, BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF THE VICTIM.
You will all get through this if you remain calm and composed.
Q. How do I proof my family from this situation?
A. Firstly accept that you are not immune. Educate....educate......educate.
It's a sad state of affairs, but you must never leave your children in a compromising situation with anyone unsupervised.
There is safety in numbers, not only for the children but for adults who may suffer from misguided innuendo.
Create an easy and communicative environment for your kids.
They need to feel that you human and that you can listen without judgement.
They need to be able to tell you anything.
You cannot beat this as a means of defence.
Don't use throw away lines with your kids that they will take literally in the future. i.e. If anyone ever laid a finger on my kids I would kill them!" A commonly used line true....but think about it.
Your kids don't want you to go to jail on their account. And, if every parent killed everyone who hurt his child, the jails would be overflowing with parents and the welfare agencies drowning under the weight of kids.
It's a sad state of affairs, but you must never leave your children in a compromising situation with anyone unsupervised.
There is safety in numbers, not only for the children but for adults who may suffer from misguided innuendo.
Create an easy and communicative environment for your kids.
They need to feel that you human and that you can listen without judgement.
They need to be able to tell you anything.
You cannot beat this as a means of defence.
Don't use throw away lines with your kids that they will take literally in the future. i.e. If anyone ever laid a finger on my kids I would kill them!" A commonly used line true....but think about it.
Your kids don't want you to go to jail on their account. And, if every parent killed everyone who hurt his child, the jails would be overflowing with parents and the welfare agencies drowning under the weight of kids.
Q. I was abused many years ago. Why am I speaking up now?
A. You may have long harboured resentment and anguish over your suffering as a child.
You have now reached an age where you finally feel that you have the maturity and the right to speak up.
You have seen others come forward and you can relate to these people.
You feel that this may put your feelings into perspective and enable you to walk in freedom and take control of your life back.
By listening to the testimony of people who have the courage to come forward before you, you now realise that you too, have the strength at last, to start your healing journey.
You have now reached an age where you finally feel that you have the maturity and the right to speak up.
You have seen others come forward and you can relate to these people.
You feel that this may put your feelings into perspective and enable you to walk in freedom and take control of your life back.
By listening to the testimony of people who have the courage to come forward before you, you now realise that you too, have the strength at last, to start your healing journey.
Q. Why do people wait so long before they speak up?
A. Mostly they don't feel that they will be believed if they speak up.
When they are being victimised as children they are mentally manipulated by masters of deception.
The perpetrators often spend years cultivating their victims before striking.
They spend years building rapport with their communities and the families of their potential victims.
They become incredibly viable as pillars of virtue and credible human beings.
In short, their victims are no match for the credibility that has been established around these people.
They are brain washed into believing that they asked for it and that if they speak up that they will be blamed and punished and left unloved by their families and their communities.
They will become outcasts. This has sadly proven to be true in many cases.
They are made to feel dirty and to blame. Manipulated into feeling that the perpetrator will kill them if they speak up.
So many put the needs of their families before themselves.
Daddy said he would kill anyone who hurt them. If Daddy does this he will go to jail and it will be all my fault.
Many victims become non communicative all their lives as a result of being scared to let it slip accidently if they open their mouths.
Some will blank out entire generations of their memories so as not to risk being found out.
Repressed memories are common in these cases.
When they are being victimised as children they are mentally manipulated by masters of deception.
The perpetrators often spend years cultivating their victims before striking.
They spend years building rapport with their communities and the families of their potential victims.
They become incredibly viable as pillars of virtue and credible human beings.
In short, their victims are no match for the credibility that has been established around these people.
They are brain washed into believing that they asked for it and that if they speak up that they will be blamed and punished and left unloved by their families and their communities.
They will become outcasts. This has sadly proven to be true in many cases.
They are made to feel dirty and to blame. Manipulated into feeling that the perpetrator will kill them if they speak up.
So many put the needs of their families before themselves.
Daddy said he would kill anyone who hurt them. If Daddy does this he will go to jail and it will be all my fault.
Many victims become non communicative all their lives as a result of being scared to let it slip accidently if they open their mouths.
Some will blank out entire generations of their memories so as not to risk being found out.
Repressed memories are common in these cases.
Q. How do I communicate with a victim?
A. If the victim has declared the offence to you, they have drawn on all their courage and strength to do so.
They will be on the edge and anything you say needs to be measured against that fact.
They need to know that you believe them straight away.
If you sew any doubt into their mind, they may well clam up and lose any trust they have in you.
God gave you two ears and one mouth for a good reason so you need to LISTEN...LISTEN and LISTEN AGAIN.
Let them speak and listen for understanding. Try to listen so that you can repeat back, what they have said to you.
Avoid the temptation to start assuming what it is they are about to say.
You simply cannot afford to get this part wrong.
They came to you out of respect for you and a love they share with you....SO LOVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT.
If they are old enough, and when they have told you the whole story, ASK THEM WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO TO SUPPORT THEM.
Once they do that try to oblige them. Don't go putting your own needs ahead of them.
They will be on the edge and anything you say needs to be measured against that fact.
They need to know that you believe them straight away.
If you sew any doubt into their mind, they may well clam up and lose any trust they have in you.
God gave you two ears and one mouth for a good reason so you need to LISTEN...LISTEN and LISTEN AGAIN.
Let them speak and listen for understanding. Try to listen so that you can repeat back, what they have said to you.
Avoid the temptation to start assuming what it is they are about to say.
You simply cannot afford to get this part wrong.
They came to you out of respect for you and a love they share with you....SO LOVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT.
If they are old enough, and when they have told you the whole story, ASK THEM WHAT THEY WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO TO SUPPORT THEM.
Once they do that try to oblige them. Don't go putting your own needs ahead of them.
Q. What kind of behaviour changes would indicate that a child may be a victim?
A. For a start, you need to accept the simple facts in this situation. As of 2007 one in every three girls and one in every four boys is a victim. That each perpetrator who keeps offending unchecked will have between 45 and 150 victims in their life time.................So you need to accept that the chances of being around someone who is a victim is highly likely.
So some of the signs may be subtle and prominent.
Victims often become withdrawn and depressed. They often refuse to eat and have marked changes in their normal behavior. They become loners in their peer group and seem to be aloof and separate.
Their sleep patterns may change dramatically to restless or in many cases deep andlong periods of sleep which is a sign of depression.
They may appear agitated in certain situations and show a reluctance to be around certain adults.
Many children are abused by older children too and not always adults.
Many women are abusers too or act as accomplices for their male partners. Never assume that sexual abuse couldn't be happening.
So some of the signs may be subtle and prominent.
Victims often become withdrawn and depressed. They often refuse to eat and have marked changes in their normal behavior. They become loners in their peer group and seem to be aloof and separate.
Their sleep patterns may change dramatically to restless or in many cases deep andlong periods of sleep which is a sign of depression.
They may appear agitated in certain situations and show a reluctance to be around certain adults.
Many children are abused by older children too and not always adults.
Many women are abusers too or act as accomplices for their male partners. Never assume that sexual abuse couldn't be happening.
Q. This happened to my child or sibling. Why didn't I see it?
A. You are a victim of these people too. You were being fooled into believing that everything was just fine.
Your immediate thoughts may have been built around denial.
Your child or sibling was being manipulated by a very crafty individual whose very survival is linked to their ability to deceive and manipulate the situation. You may have heard of these things happening but put it into the "this could never happen to me" basket. The perpetrator is a good person and could never do this, and after all kids will be kids.
Your immediate thoughts may have been built around denial.
Your child or sibling was being manipulated by a very crafty individual whose very survival is linked to their ability to deceive and manipulate the situation. You may have heard of these things happening but put it into the "this could never happen to me" basket. The perpetrator is a good person and could never do this, and after all kids will be kids.
Q. Why dont kids speak up when its happening?
A. You are small and they are powerful. You cannot win against them.
Please read the above answers too.
Please read the above answers too.